The Father's Hand

Life is not smooth for me. From realising my background till losing my beloved dad, sometimes I really wonder why it happened to me. But recall back all these so-called bad time in my life, I start to realised that in fact my life is not bad after all! God is so gracious to me all these while even before I knew and accepted Him. I once lost my identity, wonder where I was from, feeling rejection and unwanted, but God gives me a wonderful parents that loves me more than I could ask for. I lost my dad, who was my only source of hope, but I found my Heavenly Father who give me the source of life, the eternal life and future to long for. My husband is not very wealthy, not in a peak of his career and not earning big bucks to give me a financial security, allowing me to travel every where I like and spend as I wish to. But God gives me a husband who loves me and cares for me more than others could received from their spouse.

Can you see how good God is? All these remind me that God's way is not our way, but His way is far better than ours, even better than what we can think and ask for. Maybe it is just my human nature that tends to long for more, for something I don't have then something I already have. Yes, its contentment! Not contempted!

I think now for me, the only regret or I should say thing that missing in my life is a child. The old habit comes again, comparing and asking why. Why is it so easy for others around me to have children as they wish, in the time they want, but it never happen to me even I don't plan for a "perfect" time I want. But God knows all even I don't understand now. I didn't understand why the above things happened to me before too, but now I look back, I know why. This fulfilled what God says "My plan is to prosper you, not to harm you". He means what He says!

Instead of asking why and let the self pity overwhelmed me, I need to look to God and know that He never fail to provide all I need since the beginning. "Lord, You know how I feel, You know the tears that I cry and disappointment I have been through month after month. You know my struggle when I pray for perfect menstrual and ovulation but things get worse, I long for a child but it never come. But Lord, I still trust in You. I still remember Your promise to me. At times I might complain, grief over it but Lord, I will persevere until all become past. Jesus, You said to us that this child will be a miracle that will open people's eyes around. I just ask You to help me, comfort me when I grief. When I feel disappointed, give me hope, remind me again Your promise and give me the patient to wait on You. I know devil wants to tear me down by sending all the negative thoughts and envies, but Your grace is sufficient for me! You know all, You see my tears, my heartache. With my own effort I can do nothing, but through You Lord, I can do all these. Have mercy upon me Lord, I cried like what Hannah cried to You, so that I will be able to give my husband, my family a child that carry Your name, that will do Your will. I pour out to You my Lord, my comforter. May Your love embrace me and take away my jealousy for those who are pregnant and take away my grief"