The Father's Hand

I didn't know waiting to deliver could be this stress until now. 40 weeks passed and nothing happen. No sign and no pain. On my knee I have been praying asking God to bring in the labour soon. I even did the pelvis rocking exercise as adviced my midwives and talked to the bub to ask her to come out soon. But yet nothing happen. Today is the 3rd day passed 40 weeks. We went to the midwives clinic for checkup and I requested for stretch and sweep. It was not only uncomfortable but painful as well. And the result is midwife told me she can't reach my cervix as it is still very high. What?!! After such a hurtful insert? Sighz.

Midwife booked me in for while range of fetal movement monitoring starting this weekend and induction end of next week. Yes, if nothing ever happen I need to wait till end of next week. Oh dear! I have to start monitoring the bub's movement everyday because after 40 weeks the bub might be in distress. But why the hospital wants to compromise the health of the bub for the natural birth? This is the question in my head. Anyway, I can only continue to wait and commit all these to the Lord. Trusting Him for His perfect timing. I believe that His timing is not to put me into such a complex and stressful medical procedure and induction.

When exactly I will be able to hold my beautiful baby in my arm and welcome her into our lives? Nobody know but only our Almighty God. Another faith testing moment but hey I serve a God who never fail me, never late, why should my faith waving this time?

I never imagine I will be able to experience nine month of pregnancy journey. I was diagnosed with infertility, went through half a year of fertility treatment yet nothing happened. Doctor told me to give up and to be frank at the end I decided to give up as well. 2 years of waiting and struggling to have a child is not fun. It is physically and emotionally torturing. I am glad that with the grace of God, I was able to come to a point where I am able to tell God, no matter what the outcome is, whether I will be childless or not, I know Your plan is the best for me even though I might not understand now. Well, this is the greatest breakthrough in my life. The burden in me which I had been carried it for 2 years dropped off and I felt like I am in cloud nine.

Then the miracle came. One of the week in June 2008, due to the continuous discomfort that I had, I accidentally discovered that I am pregnant!!! How can it be when doctor told me it could not happen? The only explanation is because I serve an impossible God. Nothing is impossible with Him and miracle still happen. He is able and willing. Later on I even get to know that my family and friends have been praying for me for a child!

So this starts my 9 months journey.

First 15 weeks was hard for me. I had severe morning sickness. Toilet bowl was my common visited place everyday. I lost 1 kg per week. This was the only time in my life I am able to lost weight so quickly and easily. I still remember I prayed and cried out for God's mercy. However, it is all worthy when I see my baby in the womb growing each day.

Second trimester was better but it started my weird craving. I craved for all the Penang food!!! And most of these food are so hard to get in Melbourne. Help me!!! I have to see pictures of these food online, imagine the taste each time my craving come. Sometimes Selwyn had to drive me all the down to Hawthorn just to eat a "taste like" Penang food! Then Selwyn lost his job, put us in a challenging financial situation. Thus, I have to control my craving, start cooking every meal at home. What I can say it, all these cravings can be controlled. Our mind is powerful, there is a will there is way. My craving stop right after that.

By the grace of God, Selwyn got a new job shortly after that. This enable us to make a trip to New Zealand during Christmas. We booked for the flight and made the planned 1 year ago. Thank God for His provision so that we don't have to forgo our tickets. That was a nice and relaxing trip for us, a pre-baby honeymoon so-called.

Everything grows oversize during third trimester. I thought it could be a easier trimester for me but apparently it wasn't. Selwyn lost his job again when my due date is just another month to go. I thought I could go back to work earlier after my delivery to help up financially but out of my surprise my HR told me it will be off peak period for the company. They only want me to go back to work in August! It means I have to take 3-4 months of unpaid!!! It was quite stressful initially, however looking back all these year, God has never fail us. He always provide in His time and walked us through. What make me think the different this time. To be frank, I have a total peace in me even now I am due and Selwyn is yet to get a job.

Ok, what make it hard for this trimester is the weight! Baby is getting bigger, I can feel it when I walk. I can't stand and walk long. I have legs cramp once in a while and sore feet. Now I am 40 weeks (yes, still waiting), my foot and hands started to swell but yet there is no sign for my labour. Parents started to call every night to ask what's going on. I reckon this is the most stressful time for us. We are so scare whenever we hear a phone ring. The lesson I learn here is never ever tell your parents the exact due date just in case you are overdue! Anyway, with the hard pressure at the lower tummy and butt cramp, body aching when sleep, I really wish baby will be more cooperate and come out right now! However, it is totally out of my control.

Waiting....another waiting. Waiting to have children, now waiting to deliver. Waiting is always painful. I just can't wait to hold my baby in my arm soon instead of carrying her weight in my womb and don't know when she is going to pop. When will be my labour? When will the baby born? This is the question I ask God everyday. In His perfect timing....I hope He can fulfill my heart desire.

Last week, we bought Rachel to IKEA to get some of her room and kitchen stuffs. Since we were at Richmond area, we decided to try out this restaurant that we found in our Entertainment Book called Wild Oscar. It is a small restaurant, however they have a funcky design and atmosphere. Was impress us is their daily $12 set lunch. The menu ranging from pasta to fish, to burger to chicken. Moreover, we have 25% discount card! Since the value sounds great, we both order one of each set lunch. When our meal came, the portion was huge, at least for us girl! Not only that it was superbly delicious! We all loved the food & enjoyed the our lunch "fellowship" on that day.

We will definately go back again....see you again Wild Oscar!

My beef with toasted bread and sunny side up

Selwyn's chicken burger

(our request to exclude fries for mine & Selwyn's order, if not will be even bigger portion)

Rachel's fish & chips

Are you hungry now? Hehehe

Nasi lemak with sambal prawn, rendang, fried sardine and sambal ikan bilis

Since the time I bought a fruit cocktail cake for Selwyn's birthday, I started to fall in love with this cake. I don't know why, maybe because of the nice fresh cream and the tenderness of the spounge cake.

I have been thinking of sponsoring a child for a while but never really bother to take action. Today in the church the sermon was focusing on mission to the unreached, it reminds me about the sponsor child thingy. After the service, I mentioned it to Selwyn and we decided to find a day and look at any organisation that we can go through to do the sponsor. Who knows in the afternoon while we were shopping in Eastland, we saw a World Vision counter! The pictures of the children that need sponsor are all display on the counter. It melted our heart to see these little ones that do not have enough to eat and no clean water to drink. Our $2 per day can help them to survive for a year!!! We look through all the kids and it is so hard for us to make a decision which one to take...seriously they are all so adorable and all needs help. Finally we managed to choose a 4 year old boy from Mongolia, his name is Nyambayar. He has lost his dad and they can't tray out his mum's detail. Isn't it sad? Such a cute and adorable, innocent child has to go through such a tough life. It also reflects to me how fortunate we are, not only have enough to eat but also enough to buy what our heart desire!

Time really flies. It is now 2008. Recall back 2007, there is a lot of happiness yet a lot of tear dropping moment.

Perhaps I am not a contempted person, I tend to remember more of the unhappy things. It is indeed a tough year.

It was the year I experienced the lost of my first child, it was the year I was disappointed with God and nearly want to give up my faith, it was the year I don't know how to trust anymore. Will 2008 be a new beginning for us? Will 2008 be a fruitful year, a year of great abandon? I seriously not dare to put too much hope on it.

Today I was reading a devotion writing online and this poem appears.

It’s sometimes very difficult

for us to understand

the wisdom and the love behind

the things that God has planned.

But we wouldn’t have the rainbow

If we didn’t have the rain;

We wouldn’t know the pleasure

If we never tasted pain.

We wouldn’t love the sunrise

If we hadn’t felt the night;

And we wouldn’t know our weakness

If we hadn’t sensed God’s might.

We couldn’t have the springtime

or the yellow daffodilif

we hadn’t experienced

the winter’s frosty chill.

And though the brilliant sunshine

is something God has made.

He knew too much could parch our souls

so He created shade.

So God’s given us a balance:

Enough joys to keep us glad,

Enough tears to keep us humble,

Enough good to balance bad.

And if you’ll trust in Him

you’ll see

Though yesterday brought sorrow,

The clouds will part and dawn will bring

A happier tomorrow.

It is a very beautiful and encouraging poem, and the most important is it speaks to me. Yes, I wouldn't know what is joy if I never experience sadness, I won't be able to see rainbow if there is no rain. God will give us a balance. A lot of time I just feel that I can't handle it anymore, it is too much for me the hardship from one to another. "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness" Corin 12:9. Bible tells me He will never allow me to go through something beyond my limit. He knows it well what is the best for me. Lord, I remember Your words, but help me to believe, give me strength to go through all these, and most of all, comfort me and let me hear you affirming to me that You are here for me. I know I have to continue to trust in You, to trust and trust and see everything become past and my sorrow will turn into joy. I am waiting for this moment Lord!

Today is the last day of the Passionate Marriage advance track. We have learned a lot on building a passionate and Christ intended marriage throughout these 4 weekend from the sharing of couples. However, we admitted that what we lack of is putting all the things we learned from all the marriage courses we attended into practice. We seems to listen and then keep it straight in the closet. This is the time to make a commitment to bring into practice what we have learned.

At the end of the course, we were given a short 3 minutes to reaffirm our vows or rather our love to our spouse with our own words from the heart. For the first time, I said the "vow" without any preparation. However, it was so warm and touching to hear Selwyn affirmed his love to me, telling me that he never regret married me and he loves me a lot. I can say it is more meaningful then the vow we said during our wedding, at least to me. After close to 2 years of marriage, I might already put the vow I said during our wedding back of my mind. This time, with my own words from the heart, to express my love to my husband again and even take the opportunity to express my appreciation towards all the things he has done for me - those that I never express to him before. Believe it or not, I just feel like a newly wed again!