The Father's Hand

This month has been the prawn mee month for us. The first prawn mee we had was I think at least 3 months back? This month we thought of cooking prawn mee and have some fellowship with our friends. Thus, we called on the "Malaysian night" invited our Malaysia friends to come over our place for the prawn mee. It was a great fellowship and thanks to "Richmond" everyone enjoyed their meal. We thought we would only have prawn mee again at least after a few months. However, little that we know, when Uncle Bernard and family came over this week, we cooked prawn mee again just to let them try out the prawn mee paste from Penang that they cannot get it from Penang! (Funny isn't it?)

I have been thinking of sponsoring a child for a while but never really bother to take action. Today in the church the sermon was focusing on mission to the unreached, it reminds me about the sponsor child thingy. After the service, I mentioned it to Selwyn and we decided to find a day and look at any organisation that we can go through to do the sponsor. Who knows in the afternoon while we were shopping in Eastland, we saw a World Vision counter! The pictures of the children that need sponsor are all display on the counter. It melted our heart to see these little ones that do not have enough to eat and no clean water to drink. Our $2 per day can help them to survive for a year!!! We look through all the kids and it is so hard for us to make a decision which one to take...seriously they are all so adorable and all needs help. Finally we managed to choose a 4 year old boy from Mongolia, his name is Nyambayar. He has lost his dad and they can't tray out his mum's detail. Isn't it sad? Such a cute and adorable, innocent child has to go through such a tough life. It also reflects to me how fortunate we are, not only have enough to eat but also enough to buy what our heart desire!

It is another sad week we have to go through, I fail to fall pregnant again this cycle. Doctor told me I should consider IVF since I haven't been managed to fall pregnant from the few cycles via medication. However, we are not too comfortable with IVF.

Now it is the time to make the decision, whether we should go ahead with doctor's advice or give up treatment totally (I thought we wouldn't need to go throuh this). Only God knows what is the best. We are praying and asking Him for the wisdom to make the correct decision.

I came across an article few days ago, it starts with Romans 4:19 "Being not weak in faith, Abraham considered not his own body now dead, when he was about an hundred years old, neither yet the deadness of Sarah's womb". In the natural mind, we know it is impossible for Abraham and Sarah to have a child. However, bible told us that Abraham didn't look at the impossible and wavy in His faith but continue to trust in the Lord's promise. Sarah however, took the matter into her hand by given her servant girl to Abraham so that she can gives them a child. She was acting on behalf for God. While going through this article and story of Abraham and Sarah, I started to ask myself whether I am Abraham or Sarah now, whether I am putting part of my faith on the treatment than 100% to the Lord. Now I am put into the situation whether I should give up the "tool" available and trust in the Lord bare handed.

The article continue to say that "the faith that pleases God is born in a place of deadness - deadness of all human possibilities". Thinking about it, it is so true. When we have other human way to get the results, we will rely on it rather than God because it is more visible than God's hands. But is it a real faith that God require?

This sentence in the article strike me "When you feel that the heavens are like brass when you pray, your requests falling to the ground, God's Spirit is actually working to get you to stop considering the impossibilities - to stop looking to human ways and means - to stop trying to think your way out of your situation." God, are you trying to tell me something? I need more confirmation, more words from You.

I wonder what tomorrow will be but I can just say that "being unto me according to Your words" because I know my life is ordained by God who loves me and know the best for me! Even I remain childless, I still have a loving husband and a loving Father in heaven!

Time really flies. It is now 2008. Recall back 2007, there is a lot of happiness yet a lot of tear dropping moment.

Perhaps I am not a contempted person, I tend to remember more of the unhappy things. It is indeed a tough year.

It was the year I experienced the lost of my first child, it was the year I was disappointed with God and nearly want to give up my faith, it was the year I don't know how to trust anymore. Will 2008 be a new beginning for us? Will 2008 be a fruitful year, a year of great abandon? I seriously not dare to put too much hope on it.

Today I was reading a devotion writing online and this poem appears.

It’s sometimes very difficult

for us to understand

the wisdom and the love behind

the things that God has planned.

But we wouldn’t have the rainbow

If we didn’t have the rain;

We wouldn’t know the pleasure

If we never tasted pain.

We wouldn’t love the sunrise

If we hadn’t felt the night;

And we wouldn’t know our weakness

If we hadn’t sensed God’s might.

We couldn’t have the springtime

or the yellow daffodilif

we hadn’t experienced

the winter’s frosty chill.

And though the brilliant sunshine

is something God has made.

He knew too much could parch our souls

so He created shade.

So God’s given us a balance:

Enough joys to keep us glad,

Enough tears to keep us humble,

Enough good to balance bad.

And if you’ll trust in Him

you’ll see

Though yesterday brought sorrow,

The clouds will part and dawn will bring

A happier tomorrow.

It is a very beautiful and encouraging poem, and the most important is it speaks to me. Yes, I wouldn't know what is joy if I never experience sadness, I won't be able to see rainbow if there is no rain. God will give us a balance. A lot of time I just feel that I can't handle it anymore, it is too much for me the hardship from one to another. "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in your weakness" Corin 12:9. Bible tells me He will never allow me to go through something beyond my limit. He knows it well what is the best for me. Lord, I remember Your words, but help me to believe, give me strength to go through all these, and most of all, comfort me and let me hear you affirming to me that You are here for me. I know I have to continue to trust in You, to trust and trust and see everything become past and my sorrow will turn into joy. I am waiting for this moment Lord!

Today Selwyn sent the below writing to me. I read through it and thought it is a very sweet writing, especially when it is “dedicated” to me from my hubby.

Does Love need a Reason...??

Once a lady when having a conversation with her lover, asked:

Lady : Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?

Man : I can t tell the reason.. but I really like you..

Lady : You can t even tell me the reason... how can you say you like
me? How can you say you love me?

Man : I really don t know the reason, but I can prove that I loveU.

Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend s
boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!

Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm... because you are beautiful,

because your voice is sweet,

because you are caring,

because you are loving,

because you are thoughtful,

because of your smile,

because of your every movements.

The lady felt very satisfied with the man s answer.

U nfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and
went in comma. The Guy then placed a letter by her side,

Here is the content:

Darling,Because of your sweet voice that I love you...Now can you talk?
No! Therefore I cannot love you.

Because of your care and concern that I like you..Now that you cannot
show them, therefore I cannot love you.

Because of your smile,because of your every movements that I love you..

Now can you smile? Now can you move?No, therefore I cannot love you...

If love needs a reason, like now,There is no reason for me to love you anymore.

Does love need a reason?

NO!Therefore, I still LOVE YOU...

"True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a
lifetime but lust just pushes away"

Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love
says 'I need you because I love you.'

Today is the last day of the Passionate Marriage advance track. We have learned a lot on building a passionate and Christ intended marriage throughout these 4 weekend from the sharing of couples. However, we admitted that what we lack of is putting all the things we learned from all the marriage courses we attended into practice. We seems to listen and then keep it straight in the closet. This is the time to make a commitment to bring into practice what we have learned.

At the end of the course, we were given a short 3 minutes to reaffirm our vows or rather our love to our spouse with our own words from the heart. For the first time, I said the "vow" without any preparation. However, it was so warm and touching to hear Selwyn affirmed his love to me, telling me that he never regret married me and he loves me a lot. I can say it is more meaningful then the vow we said during our wedding, at least to me. After close to 2 years of marriage, I might already put the vow I said during our wedding back of my mind. This time, with my own words from the heart, to express my love to my husband again and even take the opportunity to express my appreciation towards all the things he has done for me - those that I never express to him before. Believe it or not, I just feel like a newly wed again!

The second thing I learned is when God called us to do something for Him, He will always prepare everything ahead for us. We just have to walk by faith and trust Him. The only thing He wants us to do is obeyed. "The God" in the movie provided Evan with tools and materials - woods, even animal helpers, he just wants Evan to put his hand on it and work together with him to "change the world".Of course the real Lord of the universe is not like the God that portrayed in the movie, causing all the problem for Evan just to get His way. God gives us the choice in our live, we can choice to obey or just ignore. But if we ignore we definitely will miss out the greatest opportunity and joy to serve Him.

Finally, the story brought out the good point of how God answered prayers. When we ask for patient, He will send us a circumstances or someone to train our patient. When we ask God to help us love others, He will send "extra grace" people for us to love. How true it is. A character is developed through the circumstance we went through. We can't just have patient or love after we wake up from the bed. If we aren't in a situation that required us to have more patient say, we won't know we need it and we can are slowly developing it through the circumstances! It is a short term "suffering" we have to go through, but bring eternal value - to develop a good characters in our live!

Have you learn something from the recent movie you watch?

We bought a basal thermometer and I start to chart my morning temperature since my last period to see the temperature fluctuation trend and know when I really ovulate. However, my chart looks weird, it is not a normal trend, I believe it could be caused by my Polycyctical Ovarian syndrome.

40 days passed, period yet to come. We thought that it could be a "good news" this time maybe, but I do not put too much hope on it knowing my own body condition. So I decided to wait for another maybe 2 weeks. By that time will be close to 60 days, if still no menstrual, I will take the pregnancy test. However, while waiting for these 2 weeks, my temperature just drop to the low range. If I am pregnant, the temperature should be in the high peak stay there until deliver (this is what all the medical book says)! I start to feel disappointed and sad. Sad that not only no "good news" but my menstrual is getting worse. Normally it is within a 40 days cycle. Weeks after weeks, still no menstrual, and there's no any sign of pregnancy, besides a bloating stomach and discomfort once in a while, and basal temperature remain low!

And now its close to 80 days!!!!! Breaking all the records of my menstrual cycle. What's wrong Lord, please tell me. You are my creator, You create my body, create every single organ inside my body, You know what's wrong. Can you tell me, at least let me know so that I can pray specifically and if need treatment I can take action soon. I start to tense up, start to wonder, ponder...."what happen inside my body?" God, I need Your response!

"Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?". This is the "verse of the day" for me!And I received an email from Selwyn that God speaks to him in Romans 4:18-24 about us, about my body.

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, "So shall your offspring be."Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his body was as good as dead—since he was about a hundred years old—and that Sarah's womb was also dead. Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised. This is why "it was credited to him as righteousness." The words "it was credited to him" were written not for him alone, but also for us, to whom God will credit righteousness—for us who believe in him who raised Jesus our Lord from the dead. He was delivered over to death for our sins and was raised to life for our justification."

My God speaks to me, He is so real!!! Lord Jesus, I thank You for being so faithful and so real to us. You hear my cry, You hear my prayer. Thank you for reminding me again and again to believe in You. Yes, I get you Lord, the key word is "believe". Despite of all the adversity and unfavourable circumstances, I will trust in You, I will believe in what You have promise us. I consider my body as good as dead like Abraham, yet I will trust in You. Nothing is impossible as You have promise us. Medical can't work, human can't control, but You Lord is able to do all things. It is not easy I admit Lord, I need your strength to help me stand firm until everything become past.

This song ring in my head for the whole week, I believe it is not a coincidence but the whisper of God, the song from my soul to the faithful and wonderful Jesus that I serve and I love.

Sometimes I wonder how come I can be so mean, not to other but to my own husband only. I think I have been taking him for granted? Do you realise that we tends to take those people that loves us and close to us for granted at times? For example our parents, our spouse, our siblings? Or maybe I am one of the odd one.

Yes. I tends to easily irritated with a little things my husband did that I don't like or I think is not the "correct way". Hey, it's not even a sinful thing or against law, its just not "up to my standard". Now I wrote these, I found myself really mean, really hard to pleased. It's all about pride I need to admit. Proud of what I think I know and I do better, too pride at times to "give in" and say sorry.

"Pride leads to disgrace,but with humility comes wisdom" Proverb 11:2, "Pride goes before destruction,and haughtiness before a fall." Proverbs 16:18, "Pride leads to conflict;those who take advice are wise." Proverbs 13"10. Lots of lots of bible warm me about the consequences of "pride", maybe its just my stubbornness that I still need my pride rules me. Shame on me!!

Pride will slowly eat me up, destroy my marriage, my relationship and my being. I really need to continue to repent and change with God's help. Sorry Lord for letting my Pride rules me, by letting my own feeling and desire take control instead of listening to Your voice. Help me to identify when my pride immersed so that I can deal with it quick.

Nobody likes to wait, especially in this fast pace era. I think for those couples that waiting for their first baby, they could understand how frustrated and disappointed it could be in the process. This is the journey of waiting, learning and seeing God's wonderful plan for us form. Yes, it is dragging long, feel like ages, but the small little voice inside us keep speaking "Trust me! Am I not the Lord that fulfils what I promise?" Again and again our wonderful Lord Jesus ensures us to stand by faith, claim with faith of what we have asked from Him. "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen." This verse seems harder and harder for us to apply in life when all the adversity comes our way and when Ida's body condition is not improving. However, God is always faithful. Again and again God reminds us that He performs miracle through our faith. "Everything is possible for him who believes" says Jesus. Yes Lord, we will claim like what the man in Mark claimed "I do believe. Help me to overcome my unbelief!".
Pregnancy is in fact a miracle, from an egg and sperm to a human. The change of fetus to a baby is an amazing process that only God alone is always to make this happen. We always know that baby is a blessing from heaven. We human can plan for when to start a family, when to stop, but ultimately only God will decide whether it will happen. Thousands of health couple without any reason are unable to conceive as they wish, and no scientific explanation can be given. So we know well, our hope is with the Lord, He who holds our future, He who is going to bless us with a little one in our family.
When will God open Ida's womb? When will He bless us with a child? Only He knows but His plan is greater than our plan for He says His plan is to prosper us not to harm us. He knows when is the best time for this little one to come. We know the waiting is worthy to see His miracle comes through and ultimately His name be glorified. We also know that He speaks clearly to us that I is not long, it is soon when He will fulfil His promise. This is the God we serve, the loving, intimate and faithful God!

Life is not smooth for me. From realising my background till losing my beloved dad, sometimes I really wonder why it happened to me. But recall back all these so-called bad time in my life, I start to realised that in fact my life is not bad after all! God is so gracious to me all these while even before I knew and accepted Him. I once lost my identity, wonder where I was from, feeling rejection and unwanted, but God gives me a wonderful parents that loves me more than I could ask for. I lost my dad, who was my only source of hope, but I found my Heavenly Father who give me the source of life, the eternal life and future to long for. My husband is not very wealthy, not in a peak of his career and not earning big bucks to give me a financial security, allowing me to travel every where I like and spend as I wish to. But God gives me a husband who loves me and cares for me more than others could received from their spouse.

Can you see how good God is? All these remind me that God's way is not our way, but His way is far better than ours, even better than what we can think and ask for. Maybe it is just my human nature that tends to long for more, for something I don't have then something I already have. Yes, its contentment! Not contempted!

I think now for me, the only regret or I should say thing that missing in my life is a child. The old habit comes again, comparing and asking why. Why is it so easy for others around me to have children as they wish, in the time they want, but it never happen to me even I don't plan for a "perfect" time I want. But God knows all even I don't understand now. I didn't understand why the above things happened to me before too, but now I look back, I know why. This fulfilled what God says "My plan is to prosper you, not to harm you". He means what He says!

Instead of asking why and let the self pity overwhelmed me, I need to look to God and know that He never fail to provide all I need since the beginning. "Lord, You know how I feel, You know the tears that I cry and disappointment I have been through month after month. You know my struggle when I pray for perfect menstrual and ovulation but things get worse, I long for a child but it never come. But Lord, I still trust in You. I still remember Your promise to me. At times I might complain, grief over it but Lord, I will persevere until all become past. Jesus, You said to us that this child will be a miracle that will open people's eyes around. I just ask You to help me, comfort me when I grief. When I feel disappointed, give me hope, remind me again Your promise and give me the patient to wait on You. I know devil wants to tear me down by sending all the negative thoughts and envies, but Your grace is sufficient for me! You know all, You see my tears, my heartache. With my own effort I can do nothing, but through You Lord, I can do all these. Have mercy upon me Lord, I cried like what Hannah cried to You, so that I will be able to give my husband, my family a child that carry Your name, that will do Your will. I pour out to You my Lord, my comforter. May Your love embrace me and take away my jealousy for those who are pregnant and take away my grief"

A lot of people think that love is a feeling, it is something we cannot control but will fall into it. Maybe that's why the term "fall in love" came from. I used to think that "love" is a feeling too. If the loving feeling disappear, you can't love the people anymore.

However, after 1 year of marriage, I start to realise the real meaning of love. Love is never a feeling, but a choice! Someone once told me about this before, but it never hit me until I experienced it personally. In a marriage, when our spouse hurt us, it's our choice to forgive them and to continue to love them. If love is based on feeling, a marriage could be easily wrap off (close shop). No wonder nowsaday there are so many divorce case,s with the simple and common reason, "I no longer love him/her" or "he/she has done this and that and does not deserve my love". God demonstrates love well to us long before we were borned. We are all sinners, fall short of the glory of God. Somehow sometimes in our life, we ever deny Jesus, deny God's love for us before. However, God makes the choice to continue to love us, to wait for us to love Him back. Do we deserve God's love after all that we have done to Him? No, never! But He still choose to love us. I think this is the most wonderful and beautiful love we can ever find. "I love you Jesus because you first love me", how true it is to me now! Yes, it is because God first loves me that I am able to love.

Have you ever ask God a way out when you don't know how to love anymore? I had. I asked God again and again when I had a tough time in my first year of marriage, struggle to find peace with each other, struggle to learn how to love each other in the midst of conflict. I Corinthian 13:4-7 is the verse that God shows me and ask me to meditate on.

I guess the harder in human relationship is communication? I always found myself have communication breakdown especially with my spouse. It's so painful that these communication breakdown always cause arguement and conflict at the end of the day. "You sounds like ....", "Why are you sound so angry?", "No i didn't mean that", "I told u before....No I never heard that"...all these are the common sentences heard when conflict happen in communication. I start to wonder is it me having communication problem or what? That times I was so tired of the similar conflict or arguement keep happening. Until when we will be able to learn how to communicate in a way that we can understand each other?

In the midst of all the questions and frustration, a little voice inside me speaks, "have you put yourself into another person's shoes and think before you jump in to blame the person?" I know it's God my Father in heaven that speaks. "But God, why can't they put themselves into my shoes instead to understand me? Why have to be me doing all these first?" Well, I start the debate again...this time with my Creator. Why? God makes everyone different and unique. We do not have another person's brain and can't control other's thought and vice versa. So I shouldn't expect another person to read my mind if I can't even read his/hers. And why have to be me first? It's so hard or rather impossible to change another person. It's easier to change myself first? I guess by complaining I should have just calm down first, think over it whether this matter is worth quarelling about, whether I have misunderstood him? But gosh, its so hard to put in practice when conflict happen. Oh God, really need your strength and self control to stop the anger from blowing.

I heard God speaking everytime I let my flesh take control and let anger just blow, but it's my rebellian nature that trying to ignore the "little voice" that speaks behind. STUBBORN.....yes, that's the stubborness instead me that cause all the problem. All in all, it's all because of me?!

Communication is really an art, you need to learn from mistake, grow from mistake and learn to disagree maturely. DISAGREE MATURELY?! That's true, recall back, every time there's disagreement, we will tends to behave so childishly just to make sure we win! After all, it is important who will win in the disagreement but at the end both lose? Can I say disagreement and conflict is a process of knowing each other better? When disagreement getting lesser and lesser, there's where theu understand getting better and better and where we grow more maturely towards arguement and conflict.

Perhaps, I shouldn't be so "grey" about conflict and disagreement in communication but rather learn to see it positively and learn to handle it maturely.